Welcome!

So, I’m still trying the online thing.   I have to admit that its a getting a little discouraging.  I mean, come on – how long have I been doing this????

My friends are feeling my pain these days and one suggested I go out and pick out a nice guy for myself.   There’s this bar in the middle of an apartment complex and it’s hosting a band – all the patrons are supposedly roughly around my age, mostly single, so the pickins are good.  Ok…I’m in.   Let’s do it.   I’ll go – I’ll pick out a really nice guy – and I’ll be done with this online dating thing!   This is how its supposed to be done, right?

So I dressed up, not too ‘up’, but cute-ish, right?    I walk in so adorable on my fabulous new heels and scope the crowd.   My friend was right – wow – lots and lots of profiles, I mean, people – men, to chose from!

Now, what I didn’t factor in was that they have to pick me, too….and unfortunately, you don’t get to hide behind your computer or phone while being rejected.   So there I am face to face with all kinds of guys and too scared to do a single thing about it.   dammit.

Then suddenly, the most adorable man walks up to me!   Be still my heart, oh so cute.   He says something, but the band is so loud that I can’t hear him so I simply respond with my most coy, seductive smile, right?   I’m workin’ it now.  He leans in a little closer and says something else!  But dammit, I still can’t hear him!   He’s got to be interested though, right?  He’s LEANING IN – that’s Body Language 101!    So I lean in towards him a bit so I can hear this wonderful compliment with which he’s trying to woo me.  I love this part of meeting someone!    I lean in and he asks me if I want something to drink!   YES!

Turns out…..and nevermind how I figured this out….he was the waiter…..

I’ve been swiped….

 

Hello again!    I’m back.   Allow me to catch you up to speed.

I met a nice guy…..who fell in love with me within two weeks.   I freaked out a bit, though managed to hang in there for two months – he was a nice guy!   I really liked him but I had no butterflies.  Judge if you must, but, I need butterflies – I’m not in such desperate need of a partner that I will be with someone just because he likes/loves me.   This is a good thing I’ve learned about myself.  Yea, me……right?

So, a little more info about where I’m at right now…..I just moved from my house of 12 years…into a tiny tiny tiny apartment.  I left everything behind except my bed.   Yep – brand new start.  My daughter found her own place, so for the first time in 24 years……I’m alone.     I’ve left my house, my daughter and my wonderful neighbors/best friends.   Talk about change…..

Let the coping begin……

So, I’m back online waiting for the guy that knocks my socks off.   I’m trying a site you have to pay for that is a little more reputable than the one I was on before.  Time will tell if there is any truth to that.

I hope I haven’t lost all of you – sorry about the break.   But……I’m baaaaaack!    Put on those shoes…..I think we’re off for another adventure.  🙂

Ok, not so lucky.   I’m gonna guess you saw that coming though.  I should’ve said, “I feel hopeful” or “I feel like being disappointed” or ‘I feel like I’ve felt every single time I’ve had a date” – you know, something much more realistic than “lucky”.

I’ve really been trying to send good thoughts into the universe – telling the universe how its gonna be for me and what its gonna send me – stuff like that.  Too cosmic for you?  Yeah, I’ve never been a believer myself either, but I thought I’d give it a try.  It seems to me, that whether you believe your positive affirmations are actually reaching something powerful like the universe or some powerful Being in the universe, or whether your words are just being spoken out loud for your own self to hear, they are still being heard.  Can we agree on that?   Its like the whole “power of positive thinking”, right?   And that mind set is never bad, so….yeah, I’ve been sending good thoughts into the universe in hopes of them materializing back to me.

They did not.  Now in all fairness, my whole life isn’t in shambles, so maybe those good thoughts did materialize and come back into my life as blessings, but just not what I was asking for or needing right now.  I think that’s a fair statement to all of you who believe in the spiritual world bestowing blessings upon us.    Wrong blessings, Angels….thanks for thinking of me, though.   jeez – that’d be my luck!   I get the attention of blessing-bestowing spiritual beings and they give me the blessings I just didn’t need right now.   Having said that, they’re probably going to take them back from me and I’ll be left with crap crap and more crap in my joyless, lonely existence.   woot  woot (please read that is the enthusiastic tone my sarcastic bitter mind was trying to convey)

So yeah, the really cool guy, kept stalking me on the dating site and getting angry whenever he saw I was signed in!  I’m like, “dude….do you see the double standard here at all?  YOU gotta be signed in to see ME signed in!!”   His response, “That’s totally different, you sign in and out to “shop”, I just never sign out”  Ummmm……huh??   Come again??  It different because you’re always signed in and that’s better and beyond reproach because……why?   because you don’t sign in and out like I do?   OhhhhhhMmmmGeeee……..

The conversation that followed was hideous – that’s just the only word I have to describe it.   You would’ve cracked up, though at the time, I was in disbelief that I was actually being rejected due to an action that the other person was actively also doing.  (and I wasn’t shopping, just so you know – I thought I’d found Mr. Normal, someone I could actually date a few times at least.  I would go online and just clear my messages out – I really wasn’t looking or messaging anyone else)    I thought he was kidding with me and his argument was a joke until the real life mean words and accusations started to fly.   Then he said, calmly and almost sweetly, “I think I need to cast my net again”.   Jesus S. Christ – who the ef talks like that?????   “I need to cast my net again”.  Ok, dude, get on your galoshes or your hip-waders and cast your lil’ fucking net again – good luck dude.  That’s what I wanted to say.

I actually said nothing.

Two weeks later – two weeks, my friends – he texts and wants to know how I could just let him go after he said that and why I didn’t contact him again.   Ok, you know what?  I’ve been walking this journey a while now and have experienced my share (at least my share, if not more) of rejection and idiocy.   It was that moment I realized that maybe I’ve not been rejected all these times.  Maybe…just maybe….I just haven’t been reacting the way women are supposed to react during idiotic moments that make you wanna rip heads off and run screaming into the lonely night.  Maybe these relationships could’ve been salvaged had I made the slightest bit of effort to do so.    IDK….something to think about……

But – I think I’m done.   You know, this online dating thing has taken the most ridiculous toll on me.  I see the world and men and women and relationships and loneliness – I see it all differently now as if I’ve been observing a foreign land for almost a year.   I don’t understand the body language, the spoken words, the writing in the sand – its all so foreign, I’ve learned just enough to be confused as hell.   I feel my journey changing into finding out what the fuck I really want.  If my theory is correct, I could’ve had more than what I got.   But, come on, these people are morons, yes?   Or am I snotty and think life can be better than it actually can be?  And when the hell did it become this hard?   When did that change?   I’ve never not had a relationship when I wanted one, I never had trouble meeting decent enough guys.   I’ve never struggled in relationships like I do now.  What has changed in the past 10-20, whatever, years??   Are the times just different?  Do our ages make that much of a difference when trying to find and be in a relationship?   Did the world change somehow?  What changed?   Ok, no, I’m not as pretty as I was 10 years ago, not as skinny, skin more wrinkly, hair not as cute maybe, not as much energy, way more sexual though.  Isn’t that the kicker?    Way more sexual in my old, ugly years when I can’t actually get a man anymore.  Ain’t that a kick?’

So I sit here and I’m swiping through, one last time before I delete my profile.  Oh look, the cutest pic ever!   I’m just going to message him and tell him its a cute pic, then I’m deleting me and my profile and moving on.

“Hey, just wanted you to know, that’s the cutest pic I’ve seen ever.  Good luck to you”.

“Thank you.  Hey, don’t leave just yet……..”

ugh.

Let me just say its a bad sign when a guy keeps breaking dates with you. Its entirely possible, get ready for this one, its entirely possible that – he lives in another state! WTF??? Yep – nice guy, he was so awesome, we would facetime (at the advice of my friends – “Make sure he’s not some 16 year old boy behind a computer!”, they said after our 4th week of texting/talking/date breaking and still not meeting.) Finally, I did a little investigating…..and…he resides in an entirely different state than what he claimed to reside in….thanks, dude. What an asshole, eh? And you know – of all the guys that have been somewhat ‘odd’, I’ve not really dubbed anyone The Asshole (I did say one guy seemed to have an “inner asshole” that kept rising to the surface, yes, but I didn’t actually call him a straight-up Asshole)…anyway – The Asshole lives in Florida – Naples, Florida…..I do not. I live many many many states away…..thanks. ouch, I must admit….it hurt. I liked him a bit.
Moving onward and hopefully upward, I’ve been texting and occasionally talking to a new guy (lets not forget my phone-phobia which limits the phone conversations, though I’m doing much better) . He seems very nice, funny, outspoken (that seems to be my “type” even though I find it intimidating at times…gee, wonder why I’m still single, eh?   My “guy type”  intimidates me..?!?   I’m gonna have to think that through sometime.) So, yeah, what was I saying? Oh – yes, been conversing for weeks and we still haven’t met. This isn’t entirely his fault. He works at 4 in the morning and therefore goes to bed at 8pm every night, then he has his kids every other weekend. So, the chance of meeting comes along every other weekend at most, and so far, one or the other of us have had plans.

The thought did occur to me that may he, too, may live in Naples, Florida and there was some sort of state-wide vendetta against me. I’m not sure why there would be, but the way things are going – I really wouldn’t be surprised.
Poor Guy – I made him take a picture of a street sign….while we were talking on the phone. Now that’s a pretty good guy who would do that –  possible keeper….?

Now, when you read about his schedule, did you immediately get a flag – pink and/or red? Maybe – just maybe, he’s married and he or his wife works until 8pm, so that’s why he can’t converse or be out after 8pm. Anyone have any thoughts on that? Or maybe I’ve grown paranoid at some point during this journey I call dating (or not actually dating-dating, as of late, it’s been more like a series of ‘textationships’.).  Regardless, I need to lighten up, roll with those punches…via text…between the strict hours of 4am and 8pm.   Yes, lighten up, I say – enjoy the ride! – along with it’s many terrifying, free-falling drops and crippling landings!  Woo-hoo!  Ya only live once, right?!?

I think I’m gonna roll the dice on this one a little longer though. He makes me laugh and he’s sweet – so, we’ll see.   Oh, and he totally has the same name as this breath-takingly hot, funny, perfect guy on my fav TV show, so….he’s got that going for him, too.   Sometimes when I see his name come across my phone with a new text, I will, on occasion, let my mind wander to other possibilities….sigh….

(You’re now beginning to wonder if I’m a teenager behind a computer, aren’t you….?     Feel free to FaceTime me – I hear you can at least prove your age that way.)

Plus – the more time that passes until our first meet-n-greet, the more time I have to lose weight and become the hot-bodied princess I know is inside of me….being held captive by carbs.

Wish me luck – and stay tuned!  I’m feeling lucky…

…..must come to an end….boo.

So – I guess I should update you on my 3rd date fella….I made it to a 4th date, then….he was gone. I mean, he isn’t ‘gone-gone’ as in dead – I did not kill him, I swear! No, I mean, he kind of dumped me, I think. I may have strongly suggested to him that he dump me, I’m not sure….its all a blur…..

I allegedly may have sabotaged this new relationship, according to my friend (you remember – the gal with the Rule Book).  oh well, I didn’t quite consider him a Forever Guy, but he was definitely Fun For Now Guy.  I’m going to spare you all the gory details….but ‘now’ is over and it’s time for New Guy…..should there be one of those out there.

Well, live and learn, right?

So, in the spirit of living and learning – I deleted my profile and created a brand new one – new user name – new tagline. I’m starting over and this time….oh, who am I kidding…I typically make the same mistakes at least a couple times before I realize that maybe I should change my game plan.

So, new profile, new pics (yes, more selfies..) and a new tagline…”Runs with Scissors”.

Stay tuned!!    I’m feeling a tug on my fishing line right now!!   Who can it be now?   (I’m trying to get excited here…work with me….)

So, my friend, who by the way, has been married for 20 years and therefore hasn’t dated in 20 years, tells me “You can’t sleep with a guy until the third date. Its a rule.” First of all, “its a rule” – a rule? Like, do I have to sleep with a guy on the third date? Or, if I wanna sleep with a guy, I need to wait until the third date? I’m not sure I get this. And – this ‘rule’…how does she know? Is there a newsletter or some sort of book – and why is she reading it anyway? She’s married! Or is she reading the rule book from 20 years ago in hopes of keeping me from making a huge dating mistake of some sort….? Maybe that’s it. Yeah, that’s probably it. That’s a good friend right there.

Anyway, I’m not even sure why we were talking about it because I never said I wanted to sleep with anyone. But – I was going on a second date. Do you realize this is my first second date??? I’ve been on a billion first dates – this is my first second date. I guess she felt she should warn me about not letting him ‘get the milk for free’ – or some other sort of 1980 sentiment from the 1980 Rule Book.

My question, though, not that I’m thinking of giving away any milk, of course, but, is it Date #1….2….3….GO!? Or is it date #1….2…then, GO on 3? And – if the milk is seemingly free if you give it on the first date, but somehow by the third date he’s paid for said milk? Technically, the milk is free until he puts a ring on it, right, Beyoncé? I think I may be mixing my metaphors, since one cannot put a ring on milk, but you get the point.

Now that I have the 2nd date under my belt, so to speak, I suppose there may be a third date at some point, right? The second date seemed to have gone pretty good so I guess it could be followed up with a third date. I’m wondering if everyone, male and female, know about this Third Date Sex Rule. Does this guy know? Does he think I’ll be giving him ‘milk’ on our next date?? Is that the only reason I’m getting a third date? Maybe a better rule would be to sleep with a guy on the first date – if he calls you for a second date, then he likes you. If he doesn’t call for a second date, he was just trying to get milk for free and now that he got it, he doesn’t need to pretend to like you anymore. Although I cringe at the thought of sleeping with these guys on the first date – you’ve heard about my dates – but, my rule does seem like it would weed out the jerks faster, right? Of course, I’m not saying one should sleep around or have sex on the first date or the third date for that matter, I’m just saying – I’m not sure I get the reasoning behind this rule. I’m also wondering who all knows of this rule – and is it possible to skip the third date and move on to the fourth? No one has sex on the fourth date, right? Just the third? I wonder if my friend has gotten to the chapter in her rule book regarding what is to occur on the fourth date. Maybe I should find this out before I rush into date #4…..

Date # 13 (yep – I’ve skipped over date numbers 5-12, you’re welcome…)

“Alwayslooking_73” – Greg
– Ok, yes, I already mentioned that I went out with this hottie. Here’s the whole scoop. He was a gentleman, funny as hell – rough around the edges, but sweet – said what he was thinking but kept it within the realm of ‘socially appropriate’, ya know what I mean? From the moment we started texting we clicked. I know what you’re thinking, I’ve said this before about others. Ok, that’s true. It seems I’m more clickable than I ever knew I was – and there are a lot of me-clickable-people out there, too – they’re all just online, not in the produce section at the grocery store or in front of me at the library as certain friends would suggest. Ok, so yes, I quickly clicked with Greg. From past experience, I realize that clicking via text can happen more frequently than one would think. If I am to be honest, I’ve found that if he’s sexy, but appropriate, he can form complete sentences in good structure and he has a sense of humor – click! I really tried to not get my hopes up….but I did – I think we both did! We pushed our date from the next day to the next hour. We met for drinks at Max & Ermas on my side of town. The entire night – dare I describe it as “magical”??? He was funny, interesting, stable – interested in what I was saying, what I thought about things, who I am, etc. Wow!! This went on for HOURS! What an awesome evening! Of course, eventually, it did have to come to an end, though. So, then….yeah….so then….he walks me to his car and says “I’ll drive you to your car so we can talk more”. Aww…right? We get to my car, and okay, maybe a couple kisses were exchanged…a couple of really nice kisses were exchanged. Then he says, “Do you have hobbies?” I kind of laughed because, as you know, I have no hobbies…I’ve been a mom for 20 years. So, I just thwarted the question a bit, batted my demure eyes at him and asked what his were (which I thought we’d already discussed….). Apparently, he’d not told me all his “hobbies”. He looks at me and says, “I F***”. I held his gaze for a moment thinking that was an exclamation of something more, like “f***, you have the most amazingly demure eyes!”, right?    Um, no…”F***, I f***…..that’s my hobby, f***ing.   It what I like to do and its what I do all the time, whenever I can –  I f***.”

“Oh”, I said, “I pegged you as more of a golfer….”

*swipe!*

#14:   “Playinit_thru” – Jerry
Jerry is the first older-than-me guy I’ve gone out with – he is 51. He’s an ex-army guy, special forces and about 5’8 – and wow….is he just beautiful. These intensely kind eyes – just a simple t-shirt and jeans kind of guy – be still my heart….

We met at a Mexican restaurant at 9pm. That was his idea. I don’t see the point in meeting for dinner at 9pm – what are you doing all evening to where you can’t squeeze me in somewhere between 6 and 9pm on a Saturday night? He owns his own business, something about a warehouse and t-shirts, I don’t know really. But, ok, somehow I managed to stay awake until 9pm to meet my Army Man. So, I get there first and wait for him. He arrives wearing a black leather jacket which really brings out his intense, sexy dark eyes. Its all good. We sat down and began eating chips and salsa and chatted a mile a minute. We agreed on just about….NOTHING. But – it was great! We both expressed our opinions maturely, made our points logically and factually trying to sway the other person, but neither were swayed and the intellectual challenge was hot. Yep…it was just hot. The waiter keeps popping in, three or four times, politely asking if we’re ready to order, and my Army Guy keeps saying, with a touch of annoyance in his voice…just a ‘touch’, though, “No, if its alright with you, we’re trying to talk here”. Ok, well, that’s kind of sweet, we are talking and he doesn’t want to interrupt the flow we have going, right? Its like he can read my mind, too – because it’s 10pm now, and I’m just not hungry at this point.

Suddenly, and I do mean ‘suddenly’, Army Guy flags down the waiter and says, “I’ve known what I’ve wanted to order all night because as you know, I come here all the time. I’m really just waiting for her to decide, which it doesn’t seem she’s ever going to”. Ummm…WHAT?!?! I don’t even have a menu!!! You keep telling him we don’t want to eat and now you’re mad at the waiter and your date, (ME!), because we’ve not put an order in??? ugh….I believe things just took an ugly turn….

So I order chicken tacos – they’ve got to be on the menu, wherever said menu might be, of course, and he orders his “The Usual, number 43, please”. Ok…I can overlook this. He obviously is unable to appear wrong…ever…or something, so he makes it look like its MY fault we are ordering dinner, that I don’t even want, 10 minutes before they close. That’s fine. The evening is salvageable. Maybe his blood sugar dropped too low and he can’t control his inner asshole. Ok, so we eat. Tacos – good. Conversation – failing a bit. Ok, maybe that’s my fault. I’m kinda peeved and maybe I’m not super good at hiding it. I’ll be fine….

Then he suggests we go play pool at a bar down the street that has a live band. I love bands! So, yes — I’d love to go! We get there and he orders a beer…that they don’t carry….uh-oh….I see his jaw line tighten. I try to order myself a beer and he interrupts and orders us two drafts. Hmmm…ok, that is also fine, though I didn’t ask for your help in picking out my beer of choice, but, okay, its all good….

So he sets up the pool table, racks up the balls, or whatever you call it, and asks if I want to break. I tell him, “no, thank you – you go right ahead”. So, he gets real close to me, (keep in mind, I’m in 4 inch heels and he’s 5’8 so ‘BigBad ArmyGuy with the Inner Asshole’ and I are the same height, now that we’re not sitting at dinner) so, he grins this weird, tight-lipped grin, and whispers in my ear, “I used to play pool for a living”…….

WTH?? Is he trying to intimidate me? Throw off my game? (of which I have none to throw off in the first place) What just happened here….??

AND – who the hell plays pool for a living – I mean, really?? Was it before army school or after the army, but before you owned your own business of selling your daughters’ T-shirts on e-Bay? when?? when did you make a living at playing pool – and why do I feel like you’re trying to prove something all of a sudden?? AND more importantly – the now BIGGER question would be “Tell me, Mr. ‘PoolPlayingArmyGuyEntrepeneur with the Inner Asshole’, why did I just kick your ass in pool????”

Check please! He couldn’t get a way from me fast enough……lol….looks like I found a hobby!

*swipe!*

Don’t you just love the age of texting??  OMG, I do – I love it.  I despise talking on the phone – or maybe I fear talking on the phone, I don’t know – but I avoid it at all costs.  Texting is just God’s gift to me….yes, to me.  Thanks, God.  I mean, out of all my prayers, you picked the ‘give me an alternative to talking on the phone’ one, to grant me.  Well, okay, your decision, you are God, so – I’ll take it.

Back to texting and all of its awesomeness.   A lot of online dating, I’m realizing, is just texting…..for hours and hours and days on end.   It’s quite time consuming – you really have to commit to this whole process.  I’m thinking I need to take a leave of absence from work to focus on texting Mr. Right….or Mr. Not-Horribly-Wrong….whatever.   (Is that covered under FMLA?   I should look into that…)

You can message one another directly on the site.  There’s a bit of a delay so the messages get out of order and can be difficult to know to which question they just answered the word “yes”.  “So, have you been on the site long”……”you’re not a convicted felon, are you?”

“yes”

Wait…..what?

So, after you realize this person is worth chatting with, you exchange phone numbers in order to prevent dangerous miscommunication.  Now, at first, this really came as a shock to me – give my number to a total stranger???   But, I guess the whole point is to try to get to get to know these total strangers, and if we’d met in real-life, in the outside world, we would’ve exchanged numbers, I assume, right?  So, what’s the difference really?   I can always block the crazies later, if need be.

So, we chat online, as I said, for a while, then when we both think we seem to be clicking and would like to keep in touch, we exchange numbers.  Now – here is where you can really weed ’em out.   If the very first text you receive from this person is a pic…and I mean a pic,  (are ya hearing me???), well then, I gotta do the combo block/*swipe!* move.   I mean, we’re all pretty hard up – hence the dating site, and I’m no prude, but…lets save a little mystery until we at least know each other’s last names….

And oh my goodness…..we really have to be a little farther along in our non-relationship before you send me a video….a video…..ya with me?   jeez….

What makes a person take that leap?  How does one go from “let’s exchange numbers” to “I’ll show you mine….”

Me:  “So, how many kids do you have?”

Him:  “3, all grown and out of the house, though”,

Me:  “oh, that’s nice”

**genital shot here**

ACK!!!  MY EYES!!!   WTF!?!   I totally was not ready for that!!!    Maybe a little warning would help…or, I don’t know….throw it in during a conversation that would warrant a pic such as that.  Like, say, should I specifically ask, “So, what does your….unit….look like?”   Now, I’ve yet to actually ask that, but I feel like in that instance, it’d be okay for someone to just bypass the description of said unit, and just send a pic.   Just sayin…I can see maybe one occasion when it would be very appropriate to send a pic.   However, I’ve yet to experience that one occasion and I have received numerous – I’m talkin’ numerous – pics.    Guys!  Come on – let’s keep a little mystery, shall we???

Rule #4:    Don’t date a guy who shows his ‘little mystery’ too soon….

Let’s talk about your strategy, men.  Really, you need to run your pics and your screen names by a woman – any woman – doesn’t matter, just a woman.   For example, you may be a nice looking guy with a great job and a masters degree – very marketable.   But – when you couple that with a pic of you mauling the Hooters’ girls (who are easily half your age), well, can you say “swipe!”??   Or – another example, don’t put your a pic of you and your kids on a dating site.   Maybe I’m the only one who feels like this, I don’t know.  Maybe there are women who look at that and think, “Awww, look how cute – he likes his kids.”  See, but when I look at it, I think, “Dude…you’re using your kids to sell yourself online – for a date??  It just seems wrong to me.  Am I right?   Oh – just a couple more suggestions – don’t use thumbs up, the rock-on sign, the peace sign and for god’s sake – the middle finger in your pics.  Seriously, guys…..

So, we’ve covered pics, gentleman.  Lets talk screen names, shall we?   Do not use any of the following if you list your intention as “looking for a long term relationship” – I mean, if that is truly your intention and your goal, avoid the following screen names:

1. Nine_inches_4_u  (I don’t even know what to say about this one…..figure it out)
2. JestLookingAround  (did you accidently misspell “just”? or are you ‘jokingly looking around’, or what…I don’t get it….)
3. Copenhagen (can’t wait to kiss that!  yum!  I appreciate the warning, though)
4. PipelineTrash  (I just have to advise against using the word “trash” combined with any other word – unless you know a way to make dating trash appealing, maybe I’ve just not thought of that magic combo name yet)
5. Macho_Man  (i.e.:  I’m wearing a wife-beater…and I beat my wife…)
6. DarnSexy (umm….nope – if your pic doesn’t back it up, ya can’t use it)
7. imurwomentype   (no clue what you’re trying to say here….is English your 3rd language?)
8. McLovin (pretty sure you stole that from a movie…)
9. Warlock (yikes!)
10. AlwaysLooking (hmmm….that’s who I want to be involved with….someone who is ‘always looking’.  Ok, yeah, I went out with him.  lol.  Come on, he was so cute!  – at least I didn’t go out with the Warlock!)

These are just 10 random, horrid screen names – not the 10 worst – oh, there are worse ones out there….trust me.  oh – excuse me….DatingStinx just scrolled across my screen – gotta go!

 

Now, I hate to be negative and bring the room down, but, if you’re gonna walk this walk with me, you’re gonna have to do it in my shoes….my fabulous shoes, that is.  I do have some most awesome shoes.  But – I digress….I believe I was about to bring the room down.

Lets talk rejection, shall we?

Imagine, if you will, messaging someone and practically hearing them *swipe!* you….ugh, right?   You can see if someone is online – it clearly says in fluorescent green type “online now!”.   So….as you all know by now, I’m capable of forming somewhat intelligent, somewhat witty-ish sentences, right?  Ok, so – I send my best opening message to an average guy (no need to set the bar too high).  I know he’s on line – then I get the alert that someone has “viewed” me.  So I switch over to that tab – its him – Cute Average Guy!!!  woot-woot!  Then…..nothing…waiting, waiting….I’ll look away for a while, you know the whole ‘watched pot’ theory.  So I walk away…wait, wait wait…come back…..nothing….ouch.   Then – ‘ouch’ turns into “what the hell??  how dare you judge me on my picture!”  See, I would never *swipe!* someone based on looks alone!”  Ugh….karma…yep -this is a perfect example of a karma-smack-down on my ass.

Ok, so I tell myself…”obviously I’m not cute enough.”  Oh, no, wait – no, I tell myself, “Obviously, he’s a jerk!”  oh, no, wait – I tell myself, “I’m just not his type.  Doesn’t mean I’m not appealing, we all can’t be everyone’s type, right? Better to know this now rather than waste my good money on a date with a guy who has $19 until payday and then find out he’s a convict – and I have a rule about that so it’ll never work out.”  But, still…I want to message him and say “You know, its cool you don’t like me….well, not cool exactly because you don’t even know me….but, anyway, I get it, that’s fine – I appreciate the honesty, I suppose.  But – what was it that made you completely ignore me?   Was it my message?  too wordy?  not mysterious enough?  do my pics make me look like a prissy bitch?  I know – the one pic makes me look like I have big hair – ITS A SHADOW!!  I have normal sized hair – I do – I can prove it, I have 299 more selfies on my phone that I didn’t post…hold on, I’ll send them to you.  You’ll see, normal sized hair…then you’ll be knockin’ my door down.  But it’ll be too late, because in all honesty, I think your teeth are too big for your face.  So….*swipe!*”   HA!

Who wants an average guy with horse teeth anyway…..

 

Date #4:   I’m beginning to prefer convicts.

A nice looking guy messaged me – right away we seemed to have the same sense of humor and were bantering back and forth – quite fun!  Then he spontaneously said “Hey, lets not text everything there is to say about ourselves – lets just meet now and talk!”   I’m not the most spontaneous person….but, hey, predictability was getting me nowhere, time to change my ways.  “ok – lets meet!”

We meet up at Dave & Busters and sat at the bar outside the game room.   The bartender asks what he can get me – “Sam Adams, please”.   He looks at my date who responds with “Oh, nothing”.   Uhhhh, what???   I mean, he doesn’t need to drink alcohol, but get something!   So there I am, sitting there with a tall Sam Adams at the bar while he is drinking “nothing”, and he’s getting antsy.  Really?   I’m so sorry I assumed it’d be okay to get a drink while sitting at the bar.   Finally he says he can’t sit still and suggests we go play some games.   Oh, man…the awkwardness multiplied tenfold.   Every game he wanted to play was broken and it annoyed him.  I suggested we play a shooting game – I really thought it would help get some of my irritation out in a constructive way.   Nope – he was annoyed because he couldn’t figure out how to play.   I’ve really got to look into those cyanide capsules.

At long last, it was an appropriate time to call it a night, in my opinion.   We walk out to the parking lot and he says “I am parked WAY out there, can you just drive me to my car?”   Red Flag.   But – I figure, hey, it’s my car – I can jump out if need be.   So, I take him to his car and he says to me…OMG, wait until you hear this – ok, so he says to me, “Can I kiss you – and if so, can I put my hand just above your hip but below your ribcage while I do?  And while I’m doing that, you can put your hand on my – ”   JUMP OUT!    I fully expected him to ask me to put my right foot on red and my left hand on green….

Rule #3:  Don’t date guys who try to use the game of Twister in a goodnight kiss.

 

One word:  Felon

Yep….convicted, no less.

Are you fucking kidding me???   Seriously, so far…..2 out of my 3 dates have been with convicts.  Am I on the wrong site??   Wtf?    Remember Rule #1?  (don’t date convicts) Well, it’s a bit difficult to hold steadfast to that rule when you don’t know they’re convicted felons before you go out with them.  Its not in their profile and they don’t offer that info prior to meeting up.  This lovely young man just got done with his two year stint in the pokey – for a felony.   Apparently, 7 DUI’s equal a felony.   I should’ve been tipped off when I spotted him walking up the street to our meeting place.  I just thought, “Wow, look at him getting exercise every chance he gets.  No wonder I can bench press him…..sigh….”.   Where’s that damn red flag?!?!    Maybe I should hook him up with the Schwinn guy – he could ride the bike instead of walking everywhere!

On the bright side, conversation was not lacking.  He had some good prison stories.

 

Maybe I’m getting a little obsessed with my new hobby – you know, shopping for men. I’m signed into my ‘catalog’ almost all the time and am constantly checking it. Men’s faces scroll across the bottom of the home page and I’m afraid that the moment I look away, Mr. Right is going to scroll by right under my nose unnoticed. Then, I will be unloved and single forever. So…I watch and click and read and *swipe!*. Screw “hobby” – its a full time job!

But I find myself looking at all men and quickly labeling them as a *swipe!* or non-swipe. This morning i’m on the elevator in the parking garage and this guy gets on with me. He makes eye contact and says ‘good morning’. I’m thinking, “ok, points for the eye contact and adorable tilted smile. He’s a little too skinny for my taste, but he is tall, so that may even it out”. O. M. G. – I’m shopping on a parking garage elevator – rating a guy, who I then notice, is wearing a wedding ring! (Of course, in my defense, if he wasn’t for sale, he shouldn’t have made eye contact and said “good morning” – what kind of asshole does that??)

So, I finally get to my office in time to meet with my 8:00am interview for a medical assistant position I’ve been advertising. Now, in my profession, I rarely have the occasion in which I need to interview men. I am usually interviewing women for nursing positions. This time, I’d actually received a resume from a guy – an ex-army guy. That’s what this place needs – some good ol’ testosterone! So, that’s where I find myself now, sitting across the table from my applicant. This is the dialogue running in my head – I kid you not – here it is:
“Hmmm….he sure doesn’t look like an ex-army guy. I really expected him to be bigger – and older, I expected older. I think he’s too young for me. 33-34 years old, ya think? I wonder if I can tell from his resume just how old he is….hmmm…no, not seeing any dates on here that would indicate age. I wonder, since he’s so young, if he plans on having children. Oh, god, there’s no way I could start over and have kids again. I wonder if he already has children. I wonder if he has children and if they are really young. That can be such a hassle when they have young kids – oh, especially daughters. That’s always a disaster just waiting to happen. I sure as hell don’t need drama.” —- !?!?!? What am I thinking??? I’m not supposed to be shopping!!!! I’m supposed to be interviewing this guy! What is wrong with me?!?! So, I actually have to excuse myself from the room in order to collect my thoughts!

Maybe I need to take a break from the site……

Date #2:   This time I went with the exact opposite of Mr. Perfect Convict guy.    This guy is a self-proclaimed lumberjack.   A lumberjack – I’ve never met a lumberjack, let alone gone out with one.  Cool, yes – I’d like to order one lumberjack – to go.

So we met at a local restaurant and sat at the bar.  First downer – although he is a little taller than I am, not by much though,  I weigh more than he does.  That’s gotta be like the biggest ‘ugh’ in the world – for both parties, right?  Thanks to my sparkling personality and $1000 smile, he doesn’t seem to care that I could bench press him.

The conversation gets off to a rocky start.  He had just left his ex-wife’s house, dropping his children off.  He sadly says he was sitting on the couch “that I bought”, waiting for his ex-wife.   Ah, well that kind of sucks (I guess).  “So, she got the house and furniture, eh?”, I ask.  He says, “no – she didn’t get the house, but she got the couch….that I bought.  Just burns me up”.   “How long have you been divorced?”, I ask, feigning interest about what must be one fabulous couch.  “10 years”.   Dude….let go of the couch…..

Now he moves on, kind of stumbling over words, explaining all his self-employment ventures.   Yeah, he’s not really a lumberjack – I know, you’re as shocked as I was.  He does cut wood for his fireplace, though, so – pink flaggin’ this one.  One of his businesses is rebuilding bikes.  I’m thinkin’ that’s kind of cool. “Like, old Harleys?”, I ask.   “Oh, no…I rebuild bicycles”.  “So, ten-speeds?”, I’m really working hard at being interested at this point.  But then – he responds with “No – schwinns – you know PeeWee Herman’s bike?”  Why, yes, I actually do know PeeWee Herman’s bike and could not find you more attractive right now if you were PeeWee himself…..

Red Flag.

Dammit…I look at my watch.  Ten minutes into the date and I wish I’d brought a cyanide capsule with me.  (I don’t actually have cyanide capsules, but I’m looking into it now.)

Just when I thought I couldn’t possibly get more bored with this whole evening, he opens his wallet to display a picture of a lovely red Schwinn bicycle – complete with a basket on the front – in his wallet – where pics of the kids should be!  “I like red”, I say.  Well, come on – really, what else can I say??   Then – I kid you not – he opens his phone and begins to scroll through what seemed like 8,200 pics of his red PeeWee Herman Schwinn….I actually picked up my phone and started texting random people.

We’re now 45 minutes into the date – “check please!”

He walks me to my car and I’m using every bit of negative body language I possibly exhibit at once without loosing my balance – I did everything short of scream “If you try to kiss me goodnight, I will literally shove my heel up your…” – you get the idea.  But, thank God, he did not.  Instead he says, “I had a great time.  I’d like to see you again.”

Rule #2:  Don’t date men who even know what PeeWee Herman’s bike looks like.

Resetting the bar….

Let’s pretend I’m a guy, shopping and *swiping!* women.  Would I stop on my profile or immediately *swipe!*?   I need to look at my profile objectively and see if I have any chance of catching any lookers.

My tag line: “My friends set me up on here, so I thought I’d try it”.   Ok, not the catchiest of all tag lines in the history of tag lines, I see that now.  I wrote that because I didn’t want men to think I actually chose to be on a dating website – I mean, what kind of loser do you have to be to actually be on a dating website???   Oops…..we’re all on the same site, so by my theory of losers on websites….we’re all losers.   I must embrace my loserness!

New tag line:  “Don’t mess with imperfection”.   Hmm…I like it!   Right?   I can’t take complete credit, though.  Its a song by Saving Jane – I just love it.  Its about an amazing, imperfect woman who insists no one try to change her into someone she’s not – love her not only despite her imperfections, but because of them.  Yep – that’s my tag line.  Perfect!   – or, should I say, “Imperfect!”

Ok, pics.  ugh…really??  I can’t ask someone to take pics of me, “Hey, will you take some cute pics of me so I can sell myself on line?”   Yeah…no…I’ll do it myself.  So, to date, I’ve taken approximately 302 selfies.  I’ve never taken a selfie in my life – ever.  I fear cameras, hate pics of myself,  ugh – I mean HATE.   Now, I’m snapping selfies left and right – in my car – in my room – outside in the sun – everywhere, and anytime I’m having a decent hair day – I’m shootin’ a selfie.  So out of the 302 head shots, I settle on 3 that aren’t horrible.   I’m drawing the line at full body shots, though.  You don’t have to tell me that you’re secretly into collecting vintage beer cans, and I don’t have to tell you I’m a bit ’rounder’ than what my head shots may or may not indicate.  I think that’s fair.  There needs to be a little bit of mystery in our non-relationships, right?

Ok, tag line?  check.   Pics?   check.  Interests?   Wait, what??  Interests?   I haven’t had time to develop interests?  I’m a mom for gods’ sake!   Moms don’t have interests!   Alright, I can do this.   I like music, and hanging out with my friends.  Then I scribbled something about just looking for someone to hang out with – I’m content with my life and don’t need to find a relationship but if the perfect guy fell out of the sky right into my life, I’d have to reconsider that statement.  Cute, catchy, non-clingy, confident – yep, I am the whole package.  No *swiping!* my ass away, eh?

“Save Profile” – done.   Bring it, boys!   Here I am – and I’m ready.

 

 

Ok, I found just the most adorable man – age appropriate – funny profile – cute pics – sweet!   We texted back and forth like mad for days.  The chemistry, the humor, the depth – wow, just spot on perfect!  So – lets meet!   I just can’t believe how easy this was!   I shopped carefully, took my time – and it all paid off – I found him!  Yea, me!   Really – people need to know about this dating website thing – it totally works!   If only I’d known about this years ago.

So, we make plans to meet at a bar close to my side of town – so sweet, right?   He didn’t want me to have to drive too far.  Aww….I can pick ’em, can’t I?  I’m good at this.

We meet up after work – I’m a little late because I went to the wrong place.  He was so cool about it though – he laughed!   Again, I know how to pick the sweet ones, eh?   I had feared he’d be mad, but he just thought it was cute that I went to the wrong bar…*sigh*…..be still my heart….

Evidently, he’d just gotten off work and come straight to the bar, and evidently, he’s a painter – not like a Picasso-painter, but like painting-rooms-painter.  He apologizes for having paint on his hands.  I found it endearing – he’s a hard worker!   Nice!

We order some beers, start talking -great conversationalist, funny, smart.  This is going so well.  We go to order a couple more beverages and he says, “Take it kind of easy on me, I only have $19 until payday – which is 3 days away.”   Hmmm….my first thought was “why didn’t you just ask me to meet you on payday….?”   But – ok, so one flaw, one little reddish flag, not even red – more like a pink flag.  Not a big deal – I mean, he can’t be perfect in every way, right?  I’m certainly not – and everything else is exactly awesome, so I chose to overlook this little irritation.

Oh, but make no mistake, though, the red flag was coming….

Apparently – and I do appreciate the honesty – he had been charged with domestic violence…a couple times.  Ok, that made me sit back and think for a moment.      “Charged?”, I asked.   “Well, convicted actually”, he replied.  It was that moment the pink flag turned a bit crimson.   Thank goodness, though – it wasn’t his fault, he didn’t do it, and the woman was just an angry, vengeful bitch.  whew!  I knew it!

Its at this point I had to think about where I was going to set the bar.  If you’ve been charged, I can get passed it?  But convicted?  Well, as long as you didn’t really do it, then I’m still okay with it?   Is that where I’m willing to set the bar?   In the end, I decided I do have time to continue shopping….maybe raise the bar just a little.

No need to get discouraged, though.  I’m making progress!  I’m finding out what I want in a man and what I don’t want in a man, right?  After some soul searching and really digging deep down into my reservoir of common sense, I decided that I’m going to put the bar right above ‘convict’.   Yep.  I’m making good decisions now.  I’ve decided that Rule #1, I will not date convicts.   Now I’m getting somewhere.

Back to shopping and *swiping!*…….I got this.

So, I’ve been on some dates….I mean, I’ve. Been. On. Some. Dates.

It’s weird just ‘shopping for men’.  You look at a pic and if there is just one thing that you don’t like, you ‘swipe’ him away and immediately, he’s lost and you move onto the next pic.  “Hmmm….I don’t like his teeth, they’re way too big for his face”  *swipe!* — and he’s gone.

So, sure, I have stumbled upon some non-swipe guys, right?  If there isn’t anything glaringly swipe-worthy, then you read their profile.  Clearly if they are looking for someone to train with for the next marathon – *swipe!*   But I have found some cute guys who’s main interest is “ask me” and/or “hanging out with friends” – sweet!  That happens to be my thing too!!

So, I threw some messages out there – you know, cast the line, and sat back and waited to see who I would catch.  This is so easy.  You shop, you find exactly what you’re looking for – I mean, pics and profiles don’t lie – then you message, go out, have an amazing time and bam! — you found the guy you want to date!  Why didn’t anyone suggest this sooner?  Its fail safe.  I mean – its practically a science.

I cast my line and I got a few bites.  Let the games begin.

 

OK, so…I’ve been single for about a year and a half now – happily so, right?  Yes!   But….I think I’m ready now.  I’m ready to date – so let’s hit it!!

Wait….where did everyone go….?

What the hell?  I used to have to fight ’em off….ok, maybe ‘fight ’em off’ is a bit of an exaggeration, but you know, they used to be milling about…within view….all single and shit….and now….I can’t seem to meet a guy to save my life.   Where do you meet men??

“Join a dating site”, my friends said.  Of course, I had the same reaction you just had – “a dating site??  Isn’t that for losers??”

Ugh….I may be a loser, I joined – and not just joined, I joined enthusiastically….lets let that be our little secret, k?

So, I just cannot wait to see what/who is out there waiting for me.  I’m gonna turn on my computer, sign into my new dating site, and start shopping for men.   Yea, me!  This is going to be so much fun, right?