Ok, not so lucky. I’m gonna guess you saw that coming though. I should’ve said, “I feel hopeful” or “I feel like being disappointed” or ‘I feel like I’ve felt every single time I’ve had a date” – you know, something much more realistic than “lucky”.
I’ve really been trying to send good thoughts into the universe – telling the universe how its gonna be for me and what its gonna send me – stuff like that. Too cosmic for you? Yeah, I’ve never been a believer myself either, but I thought I’d give it a try. It seems to me, that whether you believe your positive affirmations are actually reaching something powerful like the universe or some powerful Being in the universe, or whether your words are just being spoken out loud for your own self to hear, they are still being heard. Can we agree on that? Its like the whole “power of positive thinking”, right? And that mind set is never bad, so….yeah, I’ve been sending good thoughts into the universe in hopes of them materializing back to me.
They did not. Now in all fairness, my whole life isn’t in shambles, so maybe those good thoughts did materialize and come back into my life as blessings, but just not what I was asking for or needing right now. I think that’s a fair statement to all of you who believe in the spiritual world bestowing blessings upon us. Wrong blessings, Angels….thanks for thinking of me, though. jeez – that’d be my luck! I get the attention of blessing-bestowing spiritual beings and they give me the blessings I just didn’t need right now. Having said that, they’re probably going to take them back from me and I’ll be left with crap crap and more crap in my joyless, lonely existence. woot woot (please read that is the enthusiastic tone my sarcastic bitter mind was trying to convey)
So yeah, the really cool guy, kept stalking me on the dating site and getting angry whenever he saw I was signed in! I’m like, “dude….do you see the double standard here at all? YOU gotta be signed in to see ME signed in!!” His response, “That’s totally different, you sign in and out to “shop”, I just never sign out” Ummmm……huh?? Come again?? It different because you’re always signed in and that’s better and beyond reproach because……why? because you don’t sign in and out like I do? OhhhhhhMmmmGeeee……..
The conversation that followed was hideous – that’s just the only word I have to describe it. You would’ve cracked up, though at the time, I was in disbelief that I was actually being rejected due to an action that the other person was actively also doing. (and I wasn’t shopping, just so you know – I thought I’d found Mr. Normal, someone I could actually date a few times at least. I would go online and just clear my messages out – I really wasn’t looking or messaging anyone else) I thought he was kidding with me and his argument was a joke until the real life mean words and accusations started to fly. Then he said, calmly and almost sweetly, “I think I need to cast my net again”. Jesus S. Christ – who the ef talks like that????? “I need to cast my net again”. Ok, dude, get on your galoshes or your hip-waders and cast your lil’ fucking net again – good luck dude. That’s what I wanted to say.
I actually said nothing.
Two weeks later – two weeks, my friends – he texts and wants to know how I could just let him go after he said that and why I didn’t contact him again. Ok, you know what? I’ve been walking this journey a while now and have experienced my share (at least my share, if not more) of rejection and idiocy. It was that moment I realized that maybe I’ve not been rejected all these times. Maybe…just maybe….I just haven’t been reacting the way women are supposed to react during idiotic moments that make you wanna rip heads off and run screaming into the lonely night. Maybe these relationships could’ve been salvaged had I made the slightest bit of effort to do so. IDK….something to think about……
But – I think I’m done. You know, this online dating thing has taken the most ridiculous toll on me. I see the world and men and women and relationships and loneliness – I see it all differently now as if I’ve been observing a foreign land for almost a year. I don’t understand the body language, the spoken words, the writing in the sand – its all so foreign, I’ve learned just enough to be confused as hell. I feel my journey changing into finding out what the fuck I really want. If my theory is correct, I could’ve had more than what I got. But, come on, these people are morons, yes? Or am I snotty and think life can be better than it actually can be? And when the hell did it become this hard? When did that change? I’ve never not had a relationship when I wanted one, I never had trouble meeting decent enough guys. I’ve never struggled in relationships like I do now. What has changed in the past 10-20, whatever, years?? Are the times just different? Do our ages make that much of a difference when trying to find and be in a relationship? Did the world change somehow? What changed? Ok, no, I’m not as pretty as I was 10 years ago, not as skinny, skin more wrinkly, hair not as cute maybe, not as much energy, way more sexual though. Isn’t that the kicker? Way more sexual in my old, ugly years when I can’t actually get a man anymore. Ain’t that a kick?’
So I sit here and I’m swiping through, one last time before I delete my profile. Oh look, the cutest pic ever! I’m just going to message him and tell him its a cute pic, then I’m deleting me and my profile and moving on.
“Hey, just wanted you to know, that’s the cutest pic I’ve seen ever. Good luck to you”.
“Thank you. Hey, don’t leave just yet……..”
ugh.