Date #2: This time I went with the exact opposite of Mr. Perfect Convict guy. This guy is a self-proclaimed lumberjack. A lumberjack – I’ve never met a lumberjack, let alone gone out with one. Cool, yes – I’d like to order one lumberjack – to go.
So we met at a local restaurant and sat at the bar. First downer – although he is a little taller than I am, not by much though, I weigh more than he does. That’s gotta be like the biggest ‘ugh’ in the world – for both parties, right? Thanks to my sparkling personality and $1000 smile, he doesn’t seem to care that I could bench press him.
The conversation gets off to a rocky start. He had just left his ex-wife’s house, dropping his children off. He sadly says he was sitting on the couch “that I bought”, waiting for his ex-wife. Ah, well that kind of sucks (I guess). “So, she got the house and furniture, eh?”, I ask. He says, “no – she didn’t get the house, but she got the couch….that I bought. Just burns me up”. “How long have you been divorced?”, I ask, feigning interest about what must be one fabulous couch. “10 years”. Dude….let go of the couch…..
Now he moves on, kind of stumbling over words, explaining all his self-employment ventures. Yeah, he’s not really a lumberjack – I know, you’re as shocked as I was. He does cut wood for his fireplace, though, so – pink flaggin’ this one. One of his businesses is rebuilding bikes. I’m thinkin’ that’s kind of cool. “Like, old Harleys?”, I ask. “Oh, no…I rebuild bicycles”. “So, ten-speeds?”, I’m really working hard at being interested at this point. But then – he responds with “No – schwinns – you know PeeWee Herman’s bike?” Why, yes, I actually do know PeeWee Herman’s bike and could not find you more attractive right now if you were PeeWee himself…..
Red Flag.
Dammit…I look at my watch. Ten minutes into the date and I wish I’d brought a cyanide capsule with me. (I don’t actually have cyanide capsules, but I’m looking into it now.)
Just when I thought I couldn’t possibly get more bored with this whole evening, he opens his wallet to display a picture of a lovely red Schwinn bicycle – complete with a basket on the front – in his wallet – where pics of the kids should be! “I like red”, I say. Well, come on – really, what else can I say?? Then – I kid you not – he opens his phone and begins to scroll through what seemed like 8,200 pics of his red PeeWee Herman Schwinn….I actually picked up my phone and started texting random people.
We’re now 45 minutes into the date – “check please!”
He walks me to my car and I’m using every bit of negative body language I possibly exhibit at once without loosing my balance – I did everything short of scream “If you try to kiss me goodnight, I will literally shove my heel up your…” – you get the idea. But, thank God, he did not. Instead he says, “I had a great time. I’d like to see you again.”
Rule #2: Don’t date men who even know what PeeWee Herman’s bike looks like.
Resetting the bar….